Sunday, February 27, 2005

Points to ponder

I apologize it's been a while since my last post but I'm back.

I received this e-mail of questions to ponder. They are kinda funny so I thought I'd post a few of them:

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's ass."

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Stop singing and read on...........

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

OK, that's enough, I'll stop the suffering.

-Brother Punk-

Thursday, February 17, 2005

Listen carefully

Can you hear it? No, not those bodily noises you're making and no it's not the gun shots going off next door. It's the sound of the fat lady singing the NHL Blues.

If you're like me and a huge hockey fan, the NHL season cancellation is absolutely killing you. I have compiled a list of other things I have been watching on the ol' Idiot Box in place of the hockey.

WARNING: If you have a weak stomach turn away now. This is going to get ugly. By the way, these are real stories. I have really watched these programs. It's sad, really sad.

Curling-Alright, so it isn't that ugly. Actually, I enjoy curling considering I've played the sport for nearly nine years and a member of the SAIT Trojans curling team. Nevertheless, some people find the sport boring and can't bare to watch it. As Jon Stewart, for The Daily Show, said last night "Don't cancel curling."

Golf-(See 6-hour car accident)

NHL on TSN: Classic Edition-Hell, I have every right it watch a game in which I already know the outcome. I have every right to cheer for the underdog, even if I know they lost the game 10-0.

Boxing-Hey, if I can't watch Tie Domi drop the gloves, then let me see Arturo "Thunder" Gatti put the gloves on and punch the crap out of an opponent.

Reality Shows-Watching Bettman and Goodenow argue not enough for you? I've lowered my standards to The Apprentice, The Amazing Race and Survivor. I can only wait for the next season of Big Brother and I can officially call myself lame.

Polo-OK OK, you called my bluff. I fell asleep half way through the match, but still, I watched it. Watching a bunch of rich snobing riding horses and hitting a ball around. The good news is that the sport is at least similar to hockey...kinda...sorta...who am I kidding, its still not hockey.

CPAC-Who needs Pat Quinn yelling at Kerry Frasier over a missed call, when you can what Stephen Harper yell at Paul Martin over same-sex mariage. WOW, I'm pathetic, I need hockey back. Watching two politicians, who aren't even on the same page, screeming at each is a complete joke. You see what this lockout has done to me!

My message here is this cancelled season is going to kill me. If anyone knows of a good psychiatrist please let me know...I'm too young to die.

-Brother Punk-

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Ode to the driving range guy

I know I always say that Bullriders have a lot of bulls. But because they are cowboys, and I hate cowboys, I can't respect them.

Now someone I can respect is the driving range guy. You know him, he's the one in the middle of the field with football equipment retrieving golf balls while trying to dodge balls at the same time.

As a golfer, I'm usually out on the driving range to blow off some stream and I know I'm not the only one. What better way to get out your frustration by slamming around a golf ball (who says balls can't feel pain). We all learned from Leslie Nielson's Stupid Little Golf Video that a the core of a golf ball is made up of deep loathing towards a golfer.

Would you want to get in the way of about five or six angry golfers hitting balls? Apparently golf course guys do. It's a dangerous situation, those golf balls really hurt when they hit you.

Let's look at fashion for a minute. It takes guts to tape two mattresses and stick a Green Bay Packers helmet on his head. I won't do it, but I guess people will do anything for money.

I'm telling you these guys have skills. Multi-tasking by picking up golf balls and dodging at the same time. Man, I don't think anyone in their right mind could do that.

I would like to know how much these guys are making. If they are making close to minimum wage, I think they should make a union. They are putting their asses on the line everytime they step on to that field to face those angry golfers.

Thse people are genius and I felt they should be recognized. Have fun and stay tuned, more entries will be coming within the next few days.

-Brother Punk-

I think this one is self explanatory

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Reality TV

The other day I was watching The Amazing Race on the ol' idiot box (OK, there was nothing else's on alright). I've come to realize that it has got to be the dumbest show there is.

Throughout the race, the couples are always fighting and pissing each other off and then once they are eliminated they kiss and make up. There is kinda what I mean.

Jill: Why is the taxi driver driving so slow. Tom make him drive faster.
Tom: And how am I supposed to do that.
Jill: God, you're useless.
Tom: Fine, (turns to driver) hey buddy hurry it up.
Jill: What the f*** are you doing? That isn't going to work. Great, now we're in last place, I hope you are happy.
Tom: Yeah, that's it, this is all my fault. If it weren't for me, you would be completely lost.
Jill: F*** off, ok.

(Half hour later they make it to the Pit Stop)

Host: Tom, Jill, you are the last team to arrive and are eliminated for the race.
Tom: Well, we gave it our best and the important part is that we did it together. I'm really proud of her.

(Insert pathetic love scene here)

You can see what I mean now. These couples completely bicker the whole time and then fall back in love at the drop of a dime. It makes no sense.

This really pissed me off a couple, who had been getting on each others nerves the whole freakin' time was eliminated. THE GUY PROPOSED TO HER! Hey buddy, this is the girl that called you an asshole the entire time. Are you sure you want her calling you an asshole the rest of your life? Give it a ponder.

Now, I know most of you will say "well, reality shows are stupid anyway." My point here is that at least most reality shows make sense. The Amazing Race makes no senses whatsoever. You can't hate someone one minute and love them the next. Life doesn't work that way.

Well, those are my thoughts and speaking of things that don't make sense, I'm off to watch the latest news on the NHL CBA. Later

-Brother Punk-

Monday, February 07, 2005

Super Bowl Halftime

Hey everybody, I was watching the Super Bowl the other day with a friend of mine and something didn't seem right.

I was watching the halftime show featuring Paul McCartney and I felt something was missing from previous years...oh yeah, that's right, it was missing Janet Jackson's boob.

That's right, we all saw the "wardrobe malfunction" over and over again last year (but you can't blame her, look at her family *cough*Michael*cough*). It just seems now that a halftime show isn't a halftime show without it.

It's the Grey Cup/Super Bowl without the party, Sonny without Cher, Simon without Garfunkel, Bread without Butter, Super Bowl Halftime without Jackson's tit. It just isn't the same.

Then again, do we really want to see McCartney whip something out...I think not. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy some of McCartney's music, but he doesn't have the sex appeal for the male audience.

Hell, couldn't T.O. get on top of another one of those Desparate Housewives actresses again, that would the be just as good as Jackson's boob. Wait, sorry, that's right he had an injured leg and just about missed the game. Maybe we can get Ron Artest to beat someone up. Heck, it's not like he's doing anything these days.

You see what the NFL has done. They went all out last year and everyone makes a big deal. Now they can't top that.

Alright, alright, I'll admit, I missed the malfuction last year. But, seriously, I have better things to do than listen to Timberlake and Jackson sing.

Other than that it was a good game, props to T.O. for the eagle wing flap but it's too bad Philly lost the game. Well, just gotta look forward to the CFL season.


Take'er easy people

-Brother Punk-

p.s. It was brought to my attention that a few entries got posted on this blog that I have no idea how they got there. I apologize for those who tried to buy women's underwear through my blog, but I don't know how it got there (gee, I write a blog about a boob and now I'm apologizing for selling underwear...go figure).

Saturday, February 05, 2005

Super Mario on crack (cont.)

I did a lot of thinking about my statement about Super Mario being on crack and I thought I would go into the subject in a little bit more detail.

The guy eats mushrooms that make him grow bigger and has leaves that allow him to fly. You can't deny from that, that Mario is not on drugs. Sure, your mom always said to eat you're mushrooms when you were a kid. But they didn't make you grow 10 feet taller in a spilt second. Second, I don't know any kind of leaves that can make you fly of than drugs...I mean, c'mon.

Other evidence that proves Mario is a drug addict is that the guy rides around of a dinosaur, Yoshi. No person in their right mind rides around on an dinosaur that craps eggs every five seconds.

The fat guy fats through pipes, that doesn't make sense and I question that. Plus, the idea of warping to different worlds, only when you are high.

Finally, the guy sees stars that make him invincible. I don't think so.

I could go on, but I will leave it at that. Take'er easy.

-Brother Punk-

Friday, February 04, 2005

Video Games Vs. Reality

Ok, so today I was playing a new video game of mine, and it got me to thinking. Wouldn't life be more interesting if it was a video.

First of all, it comes with instruction manuels or a tutorial. You can even buy those strategy guides that tell you where to go. Wouldn't these be handy in real if? Finally we don't need to find a purpose in life. We look in the strategy guide and make the right moves.

Multiple lives-Hell I could you that. Screw the idea of only living once, let me die a couple of times and after game over just push the reset button. It would save a lot of money of funerals, thats for sure.

In video games, the most mundane job will become glorious. A good example of this is our good friend Super Mario. The man is a plumber, there is nothing special with a plumber. Yet look at his woman, Princess Toadstool. You can't tell me a girl like her is into plumbers, seriously.

Police brutality would be a thing of the past. Look at any video game that involves the police. There is always at part of the game were the police try to destroy your game or beat the crap out of you. The last I checked, in reality, the 5-Oh can't do that.

Imagine a world for Mushrooms and Leaves. I think Super Mario was also on crack. The guy has 'Shrooms and weed. Plus, he has to have the munchies once in a while. No plumber is THAT fat. But still, who wouldn't want to live in a world full of drugs...and it's legal.

So that is how I figure video games are WAY better than reality. Later everyone.

-Brother Punk-

Thursday, February 03, 2005

That'll keep the mailman away

Valentine's Day and the fraud it is

Hey everybody, it's been a while. I've been kinda busy, but I'm but with a new rant.

We all know that Valentine's Day is quickly approaching. How do we know this? Every commercial we see on TV has a Valentine's Day sale on it.

The day has lost all meaning now. It has gone completely commercial, and now an complete tool to sell your flowers, chocolate, furniture, or funeral home services (hey, accidents happen).

It is nothing but commercial now. The point of the day is to spend time with your loved one. So companies look at that and say "hell, how can we make money off of that."

Valentine's Day is no more important than St. Patty's Day. It's just another excuse for companies to sell you more crap to give to your significant other. That is why this day is a complete fraud and the stupidest holiday around right now.

I'm starting to think that this day was made up by all the card, candy and flower companies just to make a quick buck. This is a load of garbage, make this day worthwhile and not a complete sell out.

But let us disregard the fact that I have never had a girlfriend on Valentines Day (this has NOTHING to do with my love life), that is beside the point.

Anyhow, those are my thoughts once again. Good to see that people responded to the athletic question posed last time. Take'er easy.

-Brother Punk-